Sparkly boundaries with rigid liquid
I’m at the first gathering of my advanced apprenticeship with HeatherAsh Amara day 2. We had just finished a wonderful lunch and enjoying some down time before our next session. I’m sitting with my back towards the windows/door leading to the deck, enjoying a lovely conversation with a sister, when I hear glass shattering outside behind me.
I turn and witness a large Rubbermaid container full of glass shards being poured into a bed that looks approx. six feet by three feet wide and 8 inches deep. My body shivers, “What the flying fuck!” was all that I could manage to get out of my throat! Further scanning reveals a water bowl and sacred objects, leading me to believe we are doing a ceremony….apparently we are walking on glass today…. my feet start twitching in anticipation.
After an in depth workshop, we start heading to the sacred space. As I approach the glass bed, my full awareness drops into my feet. Allowing the deep breath to reach all the way down to them I hold. “You are okay, I got you”, I hear to my right, my steely eyes shift bringing my sister facilitator into awareness, acknowledging to myself the male voice didn’t belong to her.
But was there fear? I contemplate and compare, as I had just walked on fire just days ago with no fear… is this the feeling I am experiencing? Dropping deeper into my body, I ask the question again. Are you scared, is this fear?
Acute awareness drops in, this energy that I used to identify with fight or flight, has now shifted into curiosity.
How fascinating, after three years of diving in and confronting my shadow, my PTSD triggers have released on a deeper level. HeatherAsh said it would happen, “as long as it takes”, I hear her voice that I have allowed to take up residence in my consciousness.
The trust and love deepens with my beloved mentor, the trust and love deepens within myself as I integrate the monumental moment of living in curiosity instead of fear as I witness my only brother within this group stand up and approach the glass bed.
I appreciate his warrior energy, his focus and I tap in, shifting my attention to his field. My body jumps as the glass snaps and crackles as he fully commits to the first step with no hesitation. Adrenaline rushes through my body with each of his steps as waves of energy release through the glass bed. I know in that moment, I want to be walking on glass for the first time in my life. He crosses to the other side like floating on water. My body shifts and I find myself standing at the same time as my sister beside me. She shifts forward, I hold space behind her, tuning into her completely different energy than my brother.
Slowly and gingerly, she dips her toe in. Testing the energetic water, her emotional body stirring in the rapids, she waits….we all hold and breathe with her. Her breath deepens as she leans in, putting all her weight on her left foot….snap! The glass gives way, releasing beneath her foot as she commits, taking another step….snap! With each crystal clear crack, my body responds like a race horse, knowing it’s exactly what I need in this moment.
I feel my energetic body preparing like it would for a firewalk, “no sweetheart, this is not the energy we need here”. My higher self chimes in. Closing my eyes, I drop into my body, bringing my awareness to my feet.
Stillness, grounding, alignment, this acute awareness drops in and I give my feet permission to have eyes. “You are in control, you’ve been in control before”, visions of the years of balance beam practice flash through my consciousness, breathing in that energy, I pull a forgotten practice from my past forward.
I refocus on the glass visually deciding where to place my first step. I feel my left foot rise, acknowledging it wants to go first. As I place it on the glass, I drop in deeper into my body, all my senses come alive as I feel the shards of glass introduce themselves to the bottom of my foot.
Hi, hello, oh hi, oohh you are sharp, I love how soft and smooth you are, ack you are very prickly, oohh you are safe to lean into, oh fuck you are going to cut me….my emotional body reacts and my foot automatically adjusts itself away from that piece of glass. I lean in again, putting weight on my left side, with yet deeper awareness. Oh hey, nice to see you again, hi, oh hi, you are very prickly but I can handle your edge, ooohhhh you are so soft and smooooooth yum, ouchies…lets lean in a bit and see if you are going to cut me. I put more weight on my left side….snap! ACK! That was scary, I shift my weight backwards enough to relieve the pressure….checking in with my foot…you good? I feel the energetic pull forward and KNOW it’s time to move forward.
I attempt to lift my right leg and feel the instability in my left shift against the glass as it crunches beneath me. I instinctively reach for my sister’s hand, allowing the support, understanding on a deeper level that it’s okay to ask for help and allow someone else to be a part of my process. As our hands connect, waves of love move up through my arm into my heart. I know I am loved, supported and protected as I lift my right leg up and introduce my foot to the glass. Feeling waves of emotion sift through my consciousness as this foot’s introduction to each piece is smooth and swift. Snap! My left foot is on the move, looking for new connections, new experiences. Crackle! Right foot confidently places itself and leans in fully, assessments and connections made at lightning speed.
As I step off the bed of glass, Mishawn is there with a gloriously soft brush to clean my feet. Once again, I allow myself to be cared for, supported. HeatherAsh’s words permeate my being, you allow your tribe to hold a container for you until you are strong enough to hold a container for yourself. In that moment, I know I’ll be walking again.
I take my place along the rim of our container, holding space for the rest of my sisters as they acquaint and make their way across the rigid liquid we call glass. It’s fascinating how each individual brings a different energy and skill set to the bed. Equally as fascinating, is their reactions and triggers that arise after the experience, truly identifying that no walk is ever the same.
Every single piece of glass has it’s own story and wants to share as well. Its not only about the walkers, there are stories from every aspect of ceremony.
Where did the glass come from? How did it end up in a bed under your feet? Why are some sharper than others? How did they get so sharp? Are they willing to soften? Do they know how to soften? Are they willing to learn?
Understanding on a deeper level, they will play better in the glass box once the elements have shaved off their edges to the point of not cutting anyone any longer.
You are always at choice whether or not you want to have cutters in your life.
If you identify a cutter and do chose to allow one to touch you, you just have to be okay with being cut…as you chose to lean in. You may then ask yourself why you allow yourself to be cut, what agreement have you made with yourself to allow this to happen?
Walking on glass has brought in a deeper awareness around boundaries for myself. Meeting the glass where it’s at, awareness of how far to lean in, acknowledging there may be some pain, understanding at any point I can choose to lift my foot and shift to somewhere I won’t get cut….finding my own edge.
There are many paths to get to where you want to go and if you live your life following curiosity and joy, you can find paths that fill you with love and beauty. And....it's okay to shift your feet away from cutters <3
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Blessings on your rigid liquid journey <3